I MISS MY BOYS - February 21, 2006
Jarrett, Me, Andrew
on February 15, 2003
on February 15, 2003
Dear Jarrett and Andrew,
Today, I was going through some pictures of you guys. All of sudden, I had that
overwhelming feeling where I just missed you both so very much, I wanted to cry forever.
People tell me that they can't imagine what I'm going through. You know what, I don't
want them to imagine what I'm going through because it's the worst feeling ever. A feeling
over which I have absolutely NO control. It's like a monster in the living room...
overwhelming feeling where I just missed you both so very much, I wanted to cry forever.
People tell me that they can't imagine what I'm going through. You know what, I don't
want them to imagine what I'm going through because it's the worst feeling ever. A feeling
over which I have absolutely NO control. It's like a monster in the living room...
I look at these pictures and you guys were here - with me. Touching my shoulder, giving
me a hug, telling me you loved me. It's not an illusion. It really happened and yet you're
both gone. Gone the same day. Gone forever. We can use all these cute little phrases
and pretend you're saintly boys, but you're gone. You're not here. Where the hell are
you? I don't know. I always knew WHERE you were - well, pretty much most of the time.
me a hug, telling me you loved me. It's not an illusion. It really happened and yet you're
both gone. Gone the same day. Gone forever. We can use all these cute little phrases
and pretend you're saintly boys, but you're gone. You're not here. Where the hell are
you? I don't know. I always knew WHERE you were - well, pretty much most of the time.
Now, I don't know WHERE you are. Some people say you're in heaven. Some people say
you're not. Whatever. I really don't care what anyone says. If everyone is so damn sure
where you are, then they can give me the ZIP CODE. No one really knows. That's the
sad truth. No one knows where you are. And the saddest part is, I don't know where
you are...
you're not. Whatever. I really don't care what anyone says. If everyone is so damn sure
where you are, then they can give me the ZIP CODE. No one really knows. That's the
sad truth. No one knows where you are. And the saddest part is, I don't know where
you are...
The spirit, the soul lives on. The soul is part of God. Where is God? Where are you
guys? I haven't lost my faith, but I have lost everything else. I'm really just going through
the motions. It's amazing to me sometimes that I can keep pretending that it's okay but it
isn't. It is freaking hell on earth. And I'm supposed to "get over it." Yeah, right!
guys? I haven't lost my faith, but I have lost everything else. I'm really just going through
the motions. It's amazing to me sometimes that I can keep pretending that it's okay but it
isn't. It is freaking hell on earth. And I'm supposed to "get over it." Yeah, right!
You guys were the two most important people in my life and now you're gone. You grew
into little humans inside my body. I felt your first movements. You gave me some
extremely huge labor pains (thank you very much). Then, when you were born I loved you
more than I could love anyone or anything. You were my complete and total life. I gave
up everything for you. You didn't think I had a life before you. Maybe I didn't...
into little humans inside my body. I felt your first movements. You gave me some
extremely huge labor pains (thank you very much). Then, when you were born I loved you
more than I could love anyone or anything. You were my complete and total life. I gave
up everything for you. You didn't think I had a life before you. Maybe I didn't...
I'm not crying. I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm just here. And no one can do anything
about it. People can tell me that they feel my pain, and some people can. But what do
you do when your two children are dead - what the hell do you do? I don't know. Could
you guys help me out here? Are you too damn busy with your heavenly duties to look in
on us? duh. We need help. It's too much most of the time. A person can't cry 24
hours a day. But some days that's what I'd prefer to do - just simply cry.
about it. People can tell me that they feel my pain, and some people can. But what do
you do when your two children are dead - what the hell do you do? I don't know. Could
you guys help me out here? Are you too damn busy with your heavenly duties to look in
on us? duh. We need help. It's too much most of the time. A person can't cry 24
hours a day. But some days that's what I'd prefer to do - just simply cry.
We don't hear from your friends much any more. They're living their lives and getting on
with it. We knew that would happen, and we certainly don't fault anyone for that. Life
goes on, kemo sabe. Life goes on. Life is for the living, etc. Life, life, life. You never
hear anyone say, "Life is for the dead, do you?" No, I haven't either.
with it. We knew that would happen, and we certainly don't fault anyone for that. Life
goes on, kemo sabe. Life goes on. Life is for the living, etc. Life, life, life. You never
hear anyone say, "Life is for the dead, do you?" No, I haven't either.
I just miss you guys so much. I miss everything about you. Everything. I miss your
exuberance, your zest for life. Your love of life. Your dirty footprints on the floor.
Your ALIVENESS! I can't seem to get through to people about the importance of
cherishing their children because no one thinks it will happen to them. I've tried and they
all think I'm nuts. But sadly enough, anything can happen to anyone at any time. When I
tell people to always tell your kids you love them when they walk out the door, they're like,
"yeah, right." But what happened to me can happen to anyone. Remember, I'm the one
everyone refers to when they say, "I'm glad I'm not her."
exuberance, your zest for life. Your love of life. Your dirty footprints on the floor.
Your ALIVENESS! I can't seem to get through to people about the importance of
cherishing their children because no one thinks it will happen to them. I've tried and they
all think I'm nuts. But sadly enough, anything can happen to anyone at any time. When I
tell people to always tell your kids you love them when they walk out the door, they're like,
"yeah, right." But what happened to me can happen to anyone. Remember, I'm the one
everyone refers to when they say, "I'm glad I'm not her."
God, I wish I had them here with me. I'd give
anything in the world to see them again. There
are so many possible scenarios for meeting
up with them again. I've stopped trying to
imagine them all. They say that love never
dies. I think that's true. I've also heard, "don't
live in the pain of the past." Good luck with
that one. My life changed almost three years
ago, and I didn't even see it coming. It'll
never be the same.
I'll love you forever, Jarrett and Andrew. I'll
miss you always until I see you again. With all
my love and there is sadness in my heart,
Love to you both, your Mom
anything in the world to see them again. There
are so many possible scenarios for meeting
up with them again. I've stopped trying to
imagine them all. They say that love never
dies. I think that's true. I've also heard, "don't
live in the pain of the past." Good luck with
that one. My life changed almost three years
ago, and I didn't even see it coming. It'll
never be the same.
I'll love you forever, Jarrett and Andrew. I'll
miss you always until I see you again. With all
my love and there is sadness in my heart,
Love to you both, your Mom
til we met again...
