MY VOICE
February 2005 - For the past two angst-filled weeks, I've been slowly and methodically
amassing materials about Andrew and Jarrett's accident on March 3, 2003 and subsequent
deaths. I'm approaching the two-year anniversary with a mix of trepidation and anxiety because
my shock of the first year has finally worn off. The common axiom that "time heals all wounds" is
only partially correct. It does lessen the intense, gut-wrenching anguish but the deep, emotional
scar still exists along with an all-encompassing, overwhelming sadness that never goes away.
amassing materials about Andrew and Jarrett's accident on March 3, 2003 and subsequent
deaths. I'm approaching the two-year anniversary with a mix of trepidation and anxiety because
my shock of the first year has finally worn off. The common axiom that "time heals all wounds" is
only partially correct. It does lessen the intense, gut-wrenching anguish but the deep, emotional
scar still exists along with an all-encompassing, overwhelming sadness that never goes away.
The sadness and the silence co-exist now in an uneasy alliance in our home that was once filled
with laughter and noise. They'd drop their gigantic shoes at the door and clomp up and down the
stairs sounding like baby elephants while the phone would ring, music and TV blared, video games
cheeping and chirping in the distant background. Constant bantering - joking, laughing, cajoling and
arguing to the point of fisticuffs.... Now, it's quiet. That's the one thing I noticed immediately and
still do - the silence....it's deadly quiet. So quiet, you can actually hear yourself think. All I can
think is "Why?" and "Where are they?"
with laughter and noise. They'd drop their gigantic shoes at the door and clomp up and down the
stairs sounding like baby elephants while the phone would ring, music and TV blared, video games
cheeping and chirping in the distant background. Constant bantering - joking, laughing, cajoling and
arguing to the point of fisticuffs.... Now, it's quiet. That's the one thing I noticed immediately and
still do - the silence....it's deadly quiet. So quiet, you can actually hear yourself think. All I can
think is "Why?" and "Where are they?"
All those years before they died, I knew where they were. Even a well-paying job in downtown
Chicago couldn't lure me away from my babies. For their entire lives, I stayed home with Andrew
and Jarrett. We played, read books, sang songs, threw balls, built castles, caught fish, ran with
the wind, swam with the fishes and had lots and lots of fun. When they got older, I drove them to
various practices, went to their games, played at being a coach, took Jarrett to the skate parks
and took Andrew to the golf courses. Through it all, I must confess that I worried. I worried a lot
about every real or imagined hurt. Now, the only worry I have is "Where are my sons?" "Where
did they go?" "Are they okay?" "Why didn't they leave me a note with a smiley face on it?"
Chicago couldn't lure me away from my babies. For their entire lives, I stayed home with Andrew
and Jarrett. We played, read books, sang songs, threw balls, built castles, caught fish, ran with
the wind, swam with the fishes and had lots and lots of fun. When they got older, I drove them to
various practices, went to their games, played at being a coach, took Jarrett to the skate parks
and took Andrew to the golf courses. Through it all, I must confess that I worried. I worried a lot
about every real or imagined hurt. Now, the only worry I have is "Where are my sons?" "Where
did they go?" "Are they okay?" "Why didn't they leave me a note with a smiley face on it?"
* * *
Jarrett, Donna, Andrew (nice smile, dude) and Bob - Christmas 1989
February 2006 - The preceding paragraphs were written a year ago. This year, I don't have to
go through all of the newspaper articles because I already did it last year. Of course, I'll read
them again because I have to poke at the scab before someone else does! That was referenced
in the article The Myth of Getting Over It which is on the Remembering 2006 page. It's kind of
amazing to me lately that when I need something to help me, it appears serendipitously seemingly
out of nowhere. But, I know where it comes from - those saintly boys - Andrew and Jarrett!!
go through all of the newspaper articles because I already did it last year. Of course, I'll read
them again because I have to poke at the scab before someone else does! That was referenced
in the article The Myth of Getting Over It which is on the Remembering 2006 page. It's kind of
amazing to me lately that when I need something to help me, it appears serendipitously seemingly
out of nowhere. But, I know where it comes from - those saintly boys - Andrew and Jarrett!!
At a Compassionate Friends meeting the other night, someone said that she didn't know WHERE
her child was now. See, that's still the hard part. You can say they're in heaven or hell or the
Other Side or wherever, but WHERE is that? That's the part I can't reconcile. That's the part that
demands me to have faith that they went back where they came from - baby heaven? I'm one of
those people who have to see it to believe it and I'm not even from Missouri. The Show Me State,
yes. Jarrett was definitely the "prove it to me" type of person. Always, always, always...
her child was now. See, that's still the hard part. You can say they're in heaven or hell or the
Other Side or wherever, but WHERE is that? That's the part I can't reconcile. That's the part that
demands me to have faith that they went back where they came from - baby heaven? I'm one of
those people who have to see it to believe it and I'm not even from Missouri. The Show Me State,
yes. Jarrett was definitely the "prove it to me" type of person. Always, always, always...
When Jarrett was in middle school, he read a book called, Mick Harte was Here. It's about a
middle school girl coming to terms with the death of her brother who is killed riding his bicycle
home from school (wasn't wearing a helmet). It deals with his sister's grief in a very realistic way.
While Jarrett was reading it, he said, "This is a really good book, Mom. You should read it." So, I
did. An amazing book. One part I particularly remember is when the sister went back to school
after the funeral, and the principal said that she was sorry that she had "lost her brother." In her
mind, she's saying, "He's not lost. He's dead. He's in the cemetery. He's not lost, I know right
where he is. I saw them bury him." It just drove home the point that people don't always know
what to say. Maybe that's why they avoid us...
middle school girl coming to terms with the death of her brother who is killed riding his bicycle
home from school (wasn't wearing a helmet). It deals with his sister's grief in a very realistic way.
While Jarrett was reading it, he said, "This is a really good book, Mom. You should read it." So, I
did. An amazing book. One part I particularly remember is when the sister went back to school
after the funeral, and the principal said that she was sorry that she had "lost her brother." In her
mind, she's saying, "He's not lost. He's dead. He's in the cemetery. He's not lost, I know right
where he is. I saw them bury him." It just drove home the point that people don't always know
what to say. Maybe that's why they avoid us...
Someone said that there are certain things you shouldn't say to a grieving parent. I can't recall
anything that ever offended me, but then I did spend years and years with Andrew and Jarrett -
the champions of irreverence. Nothing was out of bounds for them. It makes me laugh to think of
them arguing with me. Of course, I was the one who taught them how to speak English in the first
place! duh, Mom. That makes me laugh. Laughing is good. And remember this, Jarrett was the
"funniest kid ever!"
anything that ever offended me, but then I did spend years and years with Andrew and Jarrett -
the champions of irreverence. Nothing was out of bounds for them. It makes me laugh to think of
them arguing with me. Of course, I was the one who taught them how to speak English in the first
place! duh, Mom. That makes me laugh. Laughing is good. And remember this, Jarrett was the
"funniest kid ever!"
* * *
Andrew & Jarrett - Forever in my heart
Jarrett, Donna, Andrew, Bob at Ju-Rin on February 15, 2003