remembering andrew & jarrett (1/31/05 - 3/5/05)
Saturday - March 5, 2005 - This is the day that Andrew died. I remember the day that he was born. Such a BIG baby. His face was kind of scrunched and red. Then, he turned into the cutest, sweetest, most energetic little guy in my world. We chased him up one side and down the other. When I see Bryar sitting in her stroller and not climbing out and running somewhere, I am quite amazed and amused. Remembering is good - so you don't forget. But at the same time, I've gotten the feeling in the past few days that they boys are telling me, "Hey Mom, thanks a lot for all your efforts, but now get out there and DO SOMETHING for someone else." haha I can hear Jarrett saying, "Don't be a hypocrite, Mom." I can hear Andrew saying, "You could never get a job." Thanks guys. I can't help but think of all the mothers who've lost a child. The pioneer women who had to bury their babies along a roadside on their journey west, my own great-grandma lost 3 young daughters in one summer from typhoid, plus the mothers who had their children snatched from their arms by the tsunami. God bless all the mothers. I know how you feel. bye bye for now. With love, djb
Andrew and some of the golf team - 2002
Friday - March 4, 2005 - I'm going to move this page to the Archives later. It was part of my grief work and it did exactly what I wanted it to do. Sharpen my focus. djb
Thursday - March 3, 2005 - There's nothing more I can say. I will always remember Andrew and Jarrett. djb
later - (3/2) - It's so nice that the school wants to forget that my children ever existed. You know, kids, it's TIME TO GET OVER IT. It's time to get over two young men entering into some of the best years of their lives who were killed in a car accident on their way home FROM SCHOOL. Plus, it was witnessed by numerous friends and classmates. But, really let's just forget about it and get on with our meaningless lives. Amazing that people can be so freaking stupid and insensitive. I guess my boys really are in a better place because basically MEAN PEOPLE SUCK. You know what we always said, "Life's a bitch, then ya die." I think it's a bumper sticker, too. I'm not going to do this page after tomorrow. I'll just do my regular Journal Page. It's been worth it for me to do this remembering but now, it's time to be done for a while. It's quite exhausting. Excuse me while I kiss the sky. bybybyee luv, djb
JARRETT, ME, ANDREW, BOB - I will remember you.....will you remember me......
Wednesday - March 2, 2005 - I may not be back here for a while because I have to take out the garbage! But I will have some remembrances today later. So, later, djb
Jarrett & Andrew - I love their expressions in this picture (although it was two separate pictures)
Tuesday - MARCH 1, 2005 - It's March. Thought I'd change the background to grey. Don't ask me why? I don't know. Whimsy, I guess. It's very, very cold here today. My computer thermometer says that it's 14 degrees. brrrrrrrrr That is a bit chilly, eh. It's supposed to warm up a bit. We did get snow last night - just enough to cover the ground so it looks kind of pretty. Right now, I'm thinking about food because I haven't eaten my breakfast yet. I looked through my pictures and I found this one that I particularly like. It amazes me that they would pose for me for these pictures. I can't imagine what I said to make them sit so long and be so good. God bless 'em. If you have a munchkin - go grab the camera and take their picture. Why? Because I said so!!! See ya later, djb
Jarrett and Andrew - Yes, I love this picture.
Monday - February 28, 2005 - I'm almost finished with my intense remembering page. I told myself I'd do it for a month. Right now, I'm trying to decide how to handle it after March 3rd. But I won't think about that today - I'll do whatever I decide. I did make a page to invite anyone who has an inclination to come to the cemetery this Thursday. Bob and I will be there all day. From reading the weather reports, I see that I'll have to bundle up. I don't like to be COLD. Of course, the road in the cemetery will appreciate cold weather. Last year, it was all muddy and messy. Not the case, this year. There are so many things I remember about the day of the accident. One thing I had forgotten was that the night before it was really cold, so I moved my car out of the garage, so Andrew could put his car in and keep it warm. He would normally spend 20 minutes every morning warming up his car. I had completely and totally forgotten about that until I read an e-mail I had written that morning to my folks.
I'm sure some people wonder why we let them drive a sports type car in the winter. There's one thing that everyone seems to forget. Andrew drove that car out to school every day for a year without so much as a scratch on it. He did get a scratch when he hit that gigantic raccoon on Green Road one night. Apparently, Rocky thought he was too big for anyone to hit him. Andrew did swerve but it was too late. He only had one speeding ticket. That was on Hughes Road coming home from school right after he got his license. After he went to Bad Driver School, he never got another one.
There was a policeman in Elburn who stopped some young men in a car shortly after the boys had died, he told them that they'd better put their seatbelts on because those kids who died in that accident weren't wearing their seat belts. BIG FAT FREAKING LIAR. Yeah, they were wearing their seatbelts. That's something that has amused me over the years - all the rumors that flew. One was that Bob and I weren't married. Another was that Andrew was drunk. Andrew was high. My favorite question from some Idiot-Boy was: What's the big deal over those two kids? Right after he spoke those words, someone punched him. High School - ya gotta love it. Did you hear what Bill Gates said over the weekend????? It's something I've been saying for years. Our high schools are obsolete. Find his comments and read them. Very enlightening. I must be going now. It's almost 10 am and I've been at this since 6 am. hasta la vista, djb
ANDREW & JARRETT - 4 EVER IN OUR HEARTS
Sunday - February 27, 2005 - I remember when we flew down to Orlando for Grandpa and Grandma Berg's 50th wedding anniversary in 1996. It was 6 weeks after I had my spleen out. I was NOT doing well at all. When we got on the airplane, I sat between Andrew and Jarrett. As I recall, they were quite well-behaved. I think they acted better than I did. They had a lot of fun playing with the Bryan kids (the kids Diane nannied for). As I was looking for photos, I came across the picture of me showing the scar from my splenectomy. EXTREME photo! Out of respect for decency, I won't put it on here! hahaha It is hilarious. Of course, Grandpa Berg had just had open heart surgery DAYS BEFORE the anniversary party. Aunt Helen had surgery related to her breast cancer. It was quite something to see all of us pitiful people. Didn't Granny get bit by some ants while we were getting our pictures taken? Then her ankle swelled up because she's allergic to ant bits. Something like that. I just remember the kids had fun running around. I gave them each a disposable camera to take pictures. If I find them, I'll put some of them on here because they are very funny because all the pictures are from "their" perspective which is completely different from a tall, grown person. I just want to get this up and running. So, Happy 59th Anniversary. bye bye for now and see ya later, djb
Andrew, Granny, Jarrett waving, Grandpa
Saturday - February 26, 2005 - After March 3rd, I'm going to get rid of the BLACK background because it's starting to creep me out! Although it is the perfect background for the black and white pictures. Bob and I are having a really hard time living. We always "lived" for the boys. I know you're not supposed to live through your children, but we were OLD when they were born and as long as I can remember I wanted to have kids. It's such an odd and strange and crazy thing that they died. I hate to sound like a broken record but we still see people NOT appreciating their children. Not treating them right. Not understanding that they're a gift from God. It truly disturbs us. We keep asking, "What's the point?" "What's OUR point?" "Why are WE still here?" hmmmm Only God knows. Maybe if the weather were nicer, I'd be outside in my flower bed working hard instead of THINKING too much. That's my problem. Thinking too much. Sometimes, I have to stop myself from remembering some thing or another thing about Andrew and Jarrett because it just makes me cry and makes me sad. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone. I'm really not as depressed or upset as I sound, I suppose a big part of it is the two year anniversary of their deaths that brings everything together in a sharper focus. I'm going to invite people on a separate page to come to the cemetery to "celebrate their lives" on March 3. Bob and I will be there all day. The only problem I see is WHAT TIME do we get there? As long as the kids who experienced their deaths are still in our high school, we'll be there on that day - so that would be next year for sure. After that, I'll go somewhere WARM. Hawaii or Mexico. So I can speak Spanish. Whatever. I guess I shouldn't be making plans that far ahead!! This picture that I'm putting in here makes me laugh. They BOTH have their blankies. I remember when Andrew would get up from his nap and come into the living room, he'd be carrying ALL of his blankies. You couldn't see him because he had so many. I still have a few of them. bye, djb
JARRETT & ANDREW - THE BLANKIE BOYS
Friday - February 25, 2005 - I guess my plan backfired. Hmmm. The best laid plans of mice and men and me...have gone astray. I thought that I'd hear from more people. I needed to hear from people but I think I just bummed everyone out. I scared everyone. I made 'em cry. People don't want to cry any more. It really was part of my "grief work" to go back and read everything and go through all the pictures from the visitation and funeral. There were pictures of the boys in their caskets - tasteful, yet extremely upsetting - but I didn't put those in here. I can hear some people saying, "Yeah, duh. Thanks." And yet, that was the last time I saw them which is kind of weird and interesting when you think about it. Of course, I suppose most people don't think about that. I HAVE TO. It's part of my job. Part of the grief work, I think, is over-saturation and then a sort of de-sensitization of the intense feelings. Overload, then stability. This probably makes NO SENSE to anyone but me. Sorry. I sound like a whiny baby today. I am a sore loser. I know Andrew and Jarrett's reaction to last night's game would be something like the pictures below. God bless the boys and God bless the girls. see ya, djb
Andrew's reaction to the Lady Knights' game last night.
Jarrett's reaction to the game last night - the last Knight game.
Thursday - February 24, 2005 - When we got back home last night, I saw that Eric had written in the guestbook. He was with us at Ju-Rin on Andrew's 17th birthday. Thanks for writing in, Eric. It's always good to hear from one of their friends. Here's a picture of Eric and Jarrett at the Chess Tournament where the first day, they kicked major booty - then the next day, not so good. But, it was fun for them. see ya later, djb
Eric and Jarrett (wearing the coat that Andrew wanted) at the Chess Tournament in February 2003
Wednesday - February 23, 2005 - I was busy all day doing stuff. Yesterday, I was busy all day doing this website. I thought maybe I'd hear from more people but I've only heard from the Bergs last night and Irene today. That's surely ironic, my friends. Maybe it's too much of a downer to remember Andrew and Jarrett because after all, they are DEAD. Like none of us are gonna die or anything, we'll all live forever in a yellow submarine. yeah right. As I went through all the articles and everything related to the accident, it brought it all back and I was very sad, very upset. Then, after I published the website, I felt like a big load had been lifted from my shoulders. There were quite a few people who read it yesterday, but I'm not sure WHO they were. Be that as it may, I'll always remember Andrew and Jarrett so I guess no one else has the onus as long as I'm around. Dear sweet boys, your mom will always remember you. I miss them. djb
Andrew and Jarrett in 1989
I think this might move or something. I just wanted to check it out. djb
TUESDAY - February 22, 2005 - Today I spent all day getting this website up and running to remember Andrew and Jarrett as the second anniversary looms next week. I'll always remember my dear sweet boys. God bless them and God bless us all. bye for now, djb
Monday - February 21, 2005 - Here are a couple of pictures that I took when we were in Florida for the Berg's 50th wedding anniversary in 1996. I don't know why I took pictures of them sleeping and just waking up but then again, I was on heavy doses of very strong medication. See you all later, djb
Andrew sleeping on the blow-up mattress at Grandma and Grandpa Berg's house
Jarrett just waking up in the computer room - I'm thinking that Andrew moved his mattress out into the living room because of some sort of brotherly dispute
Sunday - February 20, 2005 - Yesterday, KrissyKaren and Bryar came over to visit us. In fact, just now I remembered that they were here at our house exactly two years ago (2003) in the afternoon to visit me. They wanted me to see baby Bryar who was 3 months old. We took tons of pictures. Then, Andrew and Jarrett came home from school. The girls were the last ones in the family to see the boys alive. Isn't that intensely weird? Wow. It's kind of hard to get past that thought, "the last time I saw them alive..." Yikes! I still can't believe they're gone. Let me put in a funny picture to lighten the mood a bit. When you look at this, just imagine the SOUNDS coming from this type of picture-taking session! oh boy, it was loud. See ya later, djb
Andrew holding Hobbes (bod kitty) and Jarrett with Sable the ferret on his shoulder - this picture does make me smile - a picture is worth a thousand words, eh.
Saturday - February 19, 2005 - Continuing the story from yesterday..... The boys ran into the neighbor's yards and were trying to get away from their pursuers. Meanwhile, the van kept inching along down the street. At some point, an UNDERCOVER policeman managed to catch up to one or the other of the kids in our driveway and told them to stop - something to the effect that we're the Police! Their question to Jarrett, Jon and Kevin (they were probably about 14 years old) was, "What are you doing out after curfew?" In other words, it was really a WHY question. The boys were incredulous that it was against the LAW for them to be out after midnight. Why, they'd never heard of such a thing!! Jarrett said to one of the officers: "You mean I can't walk down the street in MY OWN neighborhood, from MY friend's house if it's after midnight?" The officer replied, "THAT'S WHAT A CURFEW IS. If you're under 18, you have to be home after midnight." Meanwhile, I had already gone to sleep, and it was Bob's turn to wait for Jarrett to come home from Jon's house. There was a knock on the door. Bob opened the door to some guy he didn't know who flashed a badge and said, "I'm Officer So and So, your son is in the driveway." Bob's memorable and historic reply was, "WHICH ONE?" Then, he realized his gaffe. Oh sure, all of our underage kids are out running around AFTER midnight. Yikes!! It reminded me once again of "The Ransom of Red Chief" by O Henry. Sir, please come out and get this argumentative child off our hands!! We always thought that Jarrett would have made a fine lawyer because he loved to argue and his arguments were usually quite flawless. With my status as a parent, I could always use the "BECAUSE I SAID SO" defense of any position I took. They usually wouldn't let me do that. "Mom, that's a not a reason." haha It's early on Saturday morning. My coffee cup is empty so you know what that means. I'll be back later, djb
Friday - February 18, 2005 - This morning when I checked the guestbook, imagine my surprise to see a note from Teri - one of the Batavia Girls!! Yes, I do remember when they came out to visit me in the summer of 2003 because I was on the tractor mowing the lawn and they just showed up. In those days, that happened a lot. It was fun because I never knew who would drop by next. Although last night, Ryan came by to visit me. That was very, very nice. He invited Bob and me to his birthday party in March. Oh boy. I can use my video camera. Wouldn't Jarrett just LOVE that camera? Yes, he would! I read a letter to the editor in one of the papers this morning referring to curfew laws. Why were those brawling teenagers out after curfew? If they're over 18, they CAN be out after curfew. And I do have to agree with her question, why no enforcement of the law? Out here in the wild western part of Kane County, they chase little kids who are out after curfew, I'll tell you that right now!!
One night, an extremely hilarious thing happened in our neighborhood. Jarrett, Jon and Eric had gone into Kevin's house in Elburn. Jon's dad went in and picked them up and drove them back home to their house. So, Jon and Eric decided to walk Jarrett down here to our house which is right down the street. As they were walking down our street a little bit past MIDNIGHT, an unmarked van was sitting in front of a house (no lights on). As the boys walked past the vehicle, it slowly started to follow them. So, they did what any sane and normal person would do - they RAN. This is a very long story. I'll finish it later. No, really. I promise. bye for now, djb
Andrew with Grandma Burkholder at Karen & Derek's wedding in September 2000
Jarrett with Aunt Vada at Karen & Derek's wedding
Thursday - February 17, 2005 - This morning, I've been going through more of the articles from the time of the accident. Yikes and shudder ~~~~~ It's rough stuff. I still can't believe they're gone. That's not really denial, it's more incredulity than anything else. I remember coming back from the hospital on the evening of March 3rd where I left Andrew still in a coma, and I walked up the stairs and realized that I'd NEVER see Jarrett again. It was breathtakingly sad. I wish people would be KIND TO THEIR CHILDREN. I wish they would learn from my sad and sorrowful lesson. We're not promised tomorrow. We only have today to do right by the people we love. If your kid dies, then you get to think about it forever. Have a nice life after that! It doesn't take any more work to smile at someone and say a nice word than it does to be an asshole. That's one reason why this entire fight with the St. Charles North and Burlington Central kids drives me crazy. Nick Swanson. He looks like one of my cousins. He looks like the kid next door. I know how his parents feel. Imagine that? Someone killed your kid and they know they did it. Why don't they just fess up instead of pretending they didn't do it. I imagine their parents have gotten them out of trouble before. Call the lawyer. Pay some money. Don't EVER take responsibility for your actions. I know that I couldn't live with myself - it would be like Edgar Allen Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum." Is it that children are being raised without a conscience? Is it the constant exposure to violence day in and day out? At least I don't have to worry about my kids - I just get to miss them endlessly. God bless Nick Swanson and his family and friends. djb
Jarrett, say "ah." Andrew say, "what?"
Wednesday - February 16, 2005 - Last night, Bob and I went to Fisherman's Inn to celebrate Andrew's 19th birthday. We had the good fortune of being served by Crystal who is married to Matt. She had Matt, Jr. two months ago and you'd NEVER know she just had a baby. Of course, after you watch her running around, you realize that she basically walked/ran off any weight she might have gained. Besides being a complete and total sweetheart, she brought us a little birthday cake to remember Andrew. What a doll. It's so nice to come into contact with kind, special people who just make you feel good being around them. Yesterday and the day before, everyone in my family remembered Andrew's birthday. Plus, Shawn (sweetie), Theresa (dahling), Ginny (my dear friend), Krissy (the only one who remembered Andrew on Bob's side of the family!). Why is it that some people just can't figure out how to be empathetic or show a little compassion for someone else - especially when they're actually related to them by blood? It's beyond my comprehension...
HERE'S A CLUE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE CONFUSED. If want to send a card to someone to remember a dead person (for example, their dead sons), you can always buy one that says: THINKING OF YOU. Some people might say, "Well, Donna, it seems to be ALL ABOUT YOU." My reply would be. "Yup. Right now, it is all about me. I lost all of my children in one day. I think it might take me a little bit of time to GET OVER IT!!" Not that I will EVER get over it but the wounds are still fresh. I'm not bleeding any more, but they still hurt like hell. I find it quite interesting that my ITP has gone into remission since the boys died. Jarrett was always very concerned about my platelets. If he's helped me out here with his heavenly "contacts," thanks a lot J-man. See ya later, djb
Andrew and Jarrett laughing
Tuesday - FEBRUARY 15, 2005 - HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY ANDREW! It's interesting that both Andrew and Jarrett were born very close to a holiday. Jarrett on January 3rd and Andrew today. Jarrett's birthday was always a little bit difficult to celebrate on the exact day. We usually had the New Year's Eve sleepover. Andrew's was probably just as festive because we still had the Valentine's Day decorations and flowers around so it added a little bit to the party atmosphere. I always made their birthdays a big deal. That's because I LOVE my own birthday. It totally mystifies me why people would lie about their age - I figure that my age is the number of years I've been on the earth - what's the big deal? Of course, weight is another matter completely!!! haha I have some more pictures to put on my journal page, but right now, I'm going to eat my breakfast and I'll be back later. God bless you Andrew. God bless you Jarrett. See ya later sweet boys, djb
Jarrett with Andrew on Andrew's 7th birthday
Monday - February 14, 2005 - VALENTINE'S DAY. This morning, I was working on a special project so I didn't get on here as early as I usually do. Here's a couple of posed pictures with Andrew and Jarrett and the rose. This was one of the times I put in black and white film to capture some artistic photos. Must go now, djb
Andrew sniffing the fake rose
Jarrett in a pose with his rose
Sunday - February 13, 2005 - Yesterday, I drove over to Rochelle to take pictures of Bergy's signs that he has around town for City Council. You can see one on the Casa (home) Page. It's fun to drive around town and see his signs all over the place. Quite a hoot! He would be a voice of reason and common sense on the City Council....something that is desperately needed in all political venues. Of course, we wish him well. May the best BERG win!!! haha I found the picture of the boys with Bergy one day when we met him for lunch at Rosita's in DeKalb. The boys LOVED going to Rosita's. And you can see that they love teasing Uncle BOOGIE. They have that "look" on their faces. I think Gayla was there too that day, however, she doesn't like her young, full face in that particular picture. It's around here somewhere - I did alter it, so maybe she'll give me the OK. Better go. I have miles to walk before I sleep (eh, Robert Frost?). bye, djb
Andrew, Gayla & Jarrett at Rosita's with Uncle Bergy and me
I FOUND THE ALTERED PICTURE. Ain't she cute?
Saturday - February 12, 2005 - Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Jarrett was doing something on Lincoln one time and I was helping him find stuff on the internet and I came across The Gettysburg Address (given on November 19, 1863). It completely and totally stopped me in my tracks. I'm planning to read it again today but at the time, I still remember what I thought about it. Read it and then tell me if you agree. Can you IMAGINE any politician nowadays not just giving the speech, but WRITING it himself? No, I can't either. It is really an awesome speech. This is what's missing now - depth and breadth in our schools. Not just taking a multiple guess test. I'll be back. I truly must get some coffee. see you later, djb
Friday - February 11, 2005 - This morning, I woke up early and wrote a short piece about remembering the boys after two years. I'll put that in here some time - I wrote it, but I haven't edited it yet. On one level, it's extremely difficult to remember, yet on another level, it's vitally important not to forget. My problem is that I have to get out of the way of myself. I tend to think it's ALL ABOUT ME. That must be the ego talking. The thing that I think is most interesting these days is when I hear an anecdote about Andrew or Jarrett that I've completely forgotten or never heard before. The lives that our children lead when we aren't there. For about 5 seconds, I thought about home schooling Andrew and Jarrett because I knew that the schools would not adequately teach them in the manner in which I thought they should be taught. But having the two of them together all day, every day - YIKES! Besides, Jarrett always said, "Mom, we have to go to school for socialization." Okie dokie. When I graduated from college, I was invited to join some kind of education honor society (I can't remember the name) because my grades were so good (I was paying for it, I was going to get good grades!). But I didn't have any EXTRA money to join, so I shined it on. I was such an idealist - a proponent of helping children learn - not TEACH them but helping them become LIFELONG LEARNERS. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem (remember that from the 70's??). I could go on but I won't. Here's another black and white of the little boys. See you later, djb
Andrew and Jarrett - shirtless in the summer of 89
Thursday - February 10, 2005 - Well, I didn't find the pictures I was looking for, but I did find this one:
Jarrett taking Andrew's picture in 1990
It makes me think, "Monkey see, monkey do." I decided to leave this one in color because I like those shirts the boys are wearing. They were always dressed so well. When Andrew was a little younger than this, he decided one day that he had to pick out his own clothes. He said, "They have to match, you know." okay. I think Jarrett went through a similar phase but his job was made easier because he mainly wore Andrew's hand-me-downs which he didn't mind at all because they belonged to ANDREW. On Sunday, I wore Jarrett's coat that he and Andrew would fight about. It WAS Jarrett's windbreaker, but one day Andrew just decided to wear it. "Where's my coat?" I don't know. "Andrew took it." No way. "Yes, he did." I'll call and ask him. Andrew, are you wearing Jarrett's coat? "YES." Why? "Because I like it." But it's not your coat, it's Jarrett's coat. blah, blah, blah. After they died, I realized that he wasn't wearing the famous windbreaker the day of the accident. Now, I CAN WEAR IT! Small comfort and yet, I guess it is like he's giving him a hug when I wear it, eh? God bless the boys. bye, djb
Wednesday - February 9, 2005 - I love looking at these pictures. Boy! I may not be good, but I'm prolific. Sometimes, I see these huge cameras with gigantic lenses and I think, WOW! The boys were so used to me taking pictures of them and other stuff, too. It got to the point that when they were older, they would say, "Hey Mom, there's a good shot." The camera was always nearby for any good shots - like the one of Hobbes in the mini-blinds. When we went to Grandma and Grandpa Berg's 50th wedding anniversary in February 1996, I gave each of the boys a disposable camera. I'll have to find those pictures because they're all taken from Andrew and Jarrett's perspective - Jarrett was 8 and Andrew was 10. Some of their photos are absolutely hilarious. But then, I think about it and they did follow my example by holding the camera in front of their faces and snapping a personal portrait. Until I find those other pictures, let me put in something I like. I'll be back after my search. hasta luego, djb
Andrew and Jarrett's mom when she was 3 or 4 years old
Tuesday - February 8, 2005 - This morning, I decided to look at the black and photos I took in the summer of 1989. They're so funny. Most of the time, I forget that these picture sessions were not quiet affairs, quite the contrary. If I had a sound track attached to the pictures, it would sound something like, "Don't touch your brother. Look at me, please. No, look at ME. What are you doing? You can have a cookie when we're finished." It does make me smile. That was the summer we had 100 degree temperatures for days on end, drought, dried up grass, but we did have the swimming pool. Although I couldn't go in the pool unless Bob was home. Plus, I didn't take many pictures at the pool because I was too busy holding one or the other boy. I noticed that Jarrett's pictures all had a scratch on his forehead. How it got there? Who knows?? God bless Andrew. God bless Jarrett. The saintly boys. bye, djb
Andrew and Jarrett looking at the top of my head
Monday - February 7, 2005 - Going through the pictures seems to be getting more difficult for me. Here's a very, very cute picture of my sweet little guys. Remembering Andrew and Jarrett - yes, I sure do. later, djb
Andrew with his head on Jarrett's shoulder
Sunday - February 6, 2005 - When I woke up this morning and came downstairs to give Hobbes his special food, I thought "Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions if were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you...." That's as far as it went. And I realized that if I don't believe in God and his plan for ME, then what's the point. So, that was a nice way to start my day - my Sunday. The picture below was taken on my 40th birthday - Jarrett was 18 months and Andrew was 2 and a half. We were visiting the Blackhawk statue in Oregon before going to the Beacon restaurant in Rochelle with Denny & Avis and Ron & Liz. Andrew was going with us - Jarrett was staying with Grandma and Grandpa Burkholder (with Krissy and Karen helping out). Andrew kept calling it, "the Beacons." We weren't sure if he'd be able to handle it all, but as I recall, he was fine. We always took him out to eat so he knew how to act. This was the day that we videotaped me doing a cartwheel in the back yard. It was pretty funny. I proclaimed that 40 was young and I could still do a cartwheel....and I did. haha I have some other pictures of this day - somewhere. Maybe I'll find them. bye for now. djb
Saturday - February 5, 2005 - I can tell that my antidepressant has worn off because when I look at the pictures of the boys, I want to cry. Wasn't that the reason I quit taking them, duh? yeah. God, I miss them so much. I'm so thankful that I took so many pictures of them. There were people who thought I was a little wacky with the camera but now the pictures are all I have. God bless me. djb
Friday - February 4, 2005 - We spent a lot of time in the summers going down to Woodhaven in Sublette (IL) to visit Grandpa and Grandma Burkholder at their casual getaway place (mobile home/trailer). It was situated in the woods on a lot that backed up to a part of the forest so that it seemed larger than it actually was. When they were little the boys would run around and have a great time. We always had to stay until dark so we could roast marshmallows on the fire. Andrew and Jarrett just loved to play in the fire! This is a picture of them smiling together at Woodhaven:
JARRETT & ANDREW AT WOODHAVEN
One time, when they were younger, they both brought their roller blades and decided to skate around the circuitous roads that snake around the park like spaghetti. This particular time, however, it was close to dusk and there are no lights out in the country. We were frantic looking for them - Okay, I WAS FRANTIC. Anyway, I can't remember the exact details but when we finally did find them, they said that they asked God to help them find Grandma's place. It reminded me of the time we were lost in Nashville. Hey! That sounds like a country and western song!! The boys and I were lost and I might have said something like DARN. This little voice from the backseat piped up and said, "Should we start praying to Jesus now?" "Good idea," was my reply. Here's another picture of all the Burkholders at Woodhaven posing for the camera. God bless Grandpa, God bless Jarrett and God bless Andrew. bye bye you guys, djb
Grandma, Grandpa, Bob, Jarrett and Andrew at Woodhaven
Thursday - February 3, 2005 - Four weeks from today is the Second Anniversary of the accident that claimed Andrew and Jarrett's earthly lives. It's been 23 months since they died. We always consider that Andrew died with Jarrett because he was never alive after the accident. Of course, being the way they were, they couldn't possibly have the same date of death on their tombstone. (That's the kind of joke that the boys would think is funny.) Bob and I are planning to be at the cemetery all day on March 3rd. We're not sure what to call it. A vigil? Celebration of life? Remembrance? Whatever? Doesn't matter what we call it. We weren't here last year because we just couldn't handle it, so we've decided to be here this year. I can tell you this right now, Hawaii is WAY nicer in March than Elburn!!! Bob wants to go to Cancun sometime. That always reminds me of both Andrew and Jarrett learning Spanish. We talked about the whole family going to Mexico and since Bob speaks German, he wouldn't know WHAT we were saying. For some reason, we thought that was hilarious!! Muy bueno. When they died, I thought, "Now we can't go to Mexico together and speak Spanish." Well, I thought a lot of things, that was just one of many. When I look at this picture that I picked out for today, it makes me smile because it's just so darn sweet. Hasta la vista, djb
Jarrett kissing his brother Andrew in 1989 - what a picture!
Wednesday - February 2, 2005 - Today, I'm going to do something different on this page. If you know me very well, you know that I don't look at things the way other people do. Maybe that's why the boys chose me to be their mother. I'm going to write them a letter and then I'm going to let them reply to it. Some people call it "automatic writing" and some people call it WEIRD. I say it's the only way I can communicate with my dead children. As the boys would say, "Don't knock it, til you try it."
Dear Andrew and Dear Jarrett,
I want to say hi to you guys. Hope everything is going well at God School because that's where I imagine you to be. You know I don't mean it disrespectfully. I've always said that life is too serious to be taken seriously. Laugh, joke, have fun. That's what you two always did when you weren't fighting. You certainly lived life to the fullest. I'm planning to spend the next four weeks remembering you both by finding some of the great pictures that I took and writing about your lives as only I can do. The thing that strikes me most is that you were always here with me and then in a split second, you were both gone. So, obviously there's a void in the universe that has to be filled with something. I'm still waiting..... haha Unless someone has walked a mile in my moccasins, they'll never understand how I can write a letter to my dead children AND expect a response! However, you ARE my SAINTLY BOYS and you know the truth. Thanks for being my children. We don't know what we've got til it's gone. Amen to that. Now, I'm going to close my eyes and wait for either one of you to communicate with me as we have done before. Here goes - I'm closing my eyes now...
Hi Mom, it's Jarrett here. You've got it figured out. This makes me feel better to talk to you through the computer since it was our favorite toy. I guess I don't know why everyone gets so sad about people dying. We're all gonna do it some day. Sometimes, I think people really don't understand what they've been taught because they didn't think it through maybe. Here's what I've learned since I left earth. Yes, there is a God and yes, we don't really go that far away. It may seem like it but we're not. You just can't see us which I think is funny. We don't get involved in anything negative like before when we were on the earth. It's kind of hard to explain but it's interesting and way more fun than school ever was. Think about it. I spent most of my life in school. yup That's something to think about. I just wanted to say hi to you mom. Love you mom. Miss giving you the back cracks. bye Love, Jarrett. Andrew wants to say hi.
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Hi Mom. Jarrett and I always feel your vibes when you want to talk to us, we come around and wait for you. You're right that I never used my extreme intelligence on earth. You knew I was smart but I wasn't supposed to be a rocket scientist. (spot for a smiley face) I always knew I wasn't going to be on earth long anyway. Everyone knows, but it's hidden for a good reason. Yeah I know, it's boring. We're very fine here. We do watch out for our friends on earth because we know they need help - especially with the way they drive - that's a tough one. When we're young, we always think that we know everything. I know you're laughing. Yes, driving is a full time job, mom. I'm gonna say bye for now... Love you mom. later, Andrew
Thanks for writing to me boys! Isn't it fun? It doesn't even matter if it's them or not them. I THINK IT IS THEM!! So basically, that's ALL that matters. It makes me feel so much better to hear from them. My sweet boys. Better go. Have to clean the house. Yikes!!! Hasta la vista. Mucha Amor, Senora Dona
ANDREW & JARRETT CLAPPING FOR NO GOOD REASON - PROBABLY BECAUSE I SAID SO
Tuesday - February 1, 2005 - This morning, I started re-reading the newspaper articles about Andrew and Jarrett's accident. I don't remember reading some of them at all. Of course, I kept all the newspapers which are now turning yellow with age. The one comment that has stayed with me was made by Greg Milo. He said that if he'd known he'd never see Andrew again, he would've said something to him. How do we know when we won't see someone again? We don't. When I look at the pictures of the saintly boys, I'm always amazed. They had so much energy and so much fun and so many fights. I wonder how we would act if we really did know that we'd never see someone again. hmm That's an interesting question. Last summer, I downloaded a cassette that Jarrett had made with Kevin Lamb and Jon Britz. It's the one I call the "jackass video." It's quite hilarious. The most enjoyable part of it was seeing Jarrett having so much fun. The most difficult part was hearing his voice again. But at the same time, it thrilled me to hear his voice again. If you think I'm being too much of a mope and a crepe hanger, I'm not. This is what I'm supposed to do...tell you once again to be kind.
When Jarrett was in middle school, he came home with his yearbook half-filled with the messages and taunts that only the kids that age understand. He said that a girl wanted to sign his book, but she was "weird and not cool." He didn't want her signing his book so he managed to avoid it by saying someone else had it. I asked him why she was weird. Well, no one likes her because she's new and doesn't have any friends, etc. I told Jarrett, "You know what you can do....you can let her sign your book and you sign her book. That'll make her day. Then maybe some of the other kids will do the same thing. Jarrett, just remember to be KIND to her." Yeah, yeah, yeah was his reply. So, when he got home the next day on the last day of school, he told me that he signed her yearbook and she signed his. She thanked him ever so much and he felt very, very good about himself. Then, some of the other kids signed her book. You know what he told me, "You were right, Mom." (Music to a mother's ears!!) God bless ya'll, djb
The last picture I took of Jarrett and Andrew - February 2003
Jarrett and Andrew in the summer of 1989
Monday - January 31, 2005 - It's the last day of January. I'm going to begin my look back (remembrance, retrospective, whatever) at the lives of Andrew and Jarrett during the month of February. The reasons for this are numerous as you can well imagine. If I don't remember them every day of my life, then WHO will? Who will come on here every single day and write something about my sweet boys? Who will look through their thousands of pictures and scan them and crop them and fix them up - download, upload, etc.? The answer is ME - their Mom. As I was fond of saying, "Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you guys?" And I always did. I did it because they were my children and I loved them. I wish people would listen to me when I say that you never know when it might be the last time you see your kids. Say something NICE. Say something KIND. You may have to remember those words forever. Live with no regrets - it's much less of a burden. That's my advice for today. With love, djb
